I live in Toronto: How do I apply for US Federal unemployment, welfare or food stamps?

Dear Mr. Obama:

I am currently employed, but with the current economy I am worried.  Now I know that the United States government believes itself to have the right to tax Americans resident in Canada, and so I was wondering where I could get some of the goodies that you are daily handing out to deserving but down-on-their-luck-formerly-employed taxpayers.  Just in case I lose my job, where is the unemployment office where I can apply for federal unemployment insurance?  Also, if I need welfare and food stamps, where do I go?  I live in the Toronto area, so I was just wondering if there is a federal office in the GTA where I could apply for these programs.  Perhaps you have a absentee program for those living outside the US–if so, how can I apply for that.  Just, you know, askin’.  Thanks for your time.

If you need a US address, I could give you either my brother’s or my father’s address.  They still live there.  I’m sure they would be happy to forward the cheques (that’s the Canadian spelling) to me.


Petros (formerly an American Citizen)